Today I was driving my twin 7 year olds to school. They kept arguing in the back seat, so I did what any dad would do and turned around to let them know whose boss and as soon as i turned my torso to yell ISMP.

My Uncle landed on Free Parking while playing Monopoly against me today. I heard him shart and then he slowly got up to walk to the bath room. He definitely shit his pants.

Age: 40,

Today I shat my hazmat suit — so bad my shoe made squishing noises. The smell was enough to gag a maggot. I said I was sick and drove home in the suit (helmet off). Scrubbed the suit (tip: turn inside out), returned it the next day. ISHMHS.

Today I was cycling. Wolfed 2 burritos for lunch, so I was fired up. Guess I had too much fire because in farting uphill (nitro-boost) I sharted a goddamn massive BM onto the rider behind. Turned around to apologize but all I could muster was ISMP!

One time, i had boiled eggs with tabasco for breakfast. Little did i know, tabasco makes me gassy. Weighing roughly two tons, my class went to weightlifting class instead of gym class. I like to show off for the ladies, so i put 315 lbs. on the squat machine. When i lifted it up for a practice, two very attractive girls from my class walked over and were watching me. They got a bunch of their friends to cheer me on. Soon as i lifted, the pressure because too much. I strained myself to lift and release at the same time, and soon as i did, i regreted it. It was worse then a rocket launch. That thing blasted through my pants in about 1.2 seconds flat, with nice greasy shart running down my leg. Those girls didnt notice me anymore.

Age: 25,

Today I had my bi-weekly tennis lesson at Franklin Racket Club. You might know the place. The lesson lasts two-hours, from 4-6 p.m. As the clock neared six, and I readied what would turn out to be my final serve of the day, a profound unsettling erupted within. I had to shit…bad. I asked my instructor Adam if I could leave the court early. He said no way, my lesson would be over in five minutes. I walked back to the baseline, hoping I could psych myself out of a horrible accident. But it was no use. Right there, on center court, a sloppy brown explosion rushed out of me, through my Nike shorts, and onto the once pristine green court. Adam should have let me leave early, for if he had, he wouldn’t have been left cleaning his young pupils shit off the tennis court. ISMP.

Age: old as fuck,

Today, at the ripe age of 14, I was on my way to visit my brother at college. A stop along the way at a meaty Italian restaurant proved to set the course for a very unpleasant adventure. 10 manicotti shells later I realized I had to make a burnt offering to the Porcelain God. Rushing to the throne, I had not the time or the foresight to clear the path of my loose-hanging Gap flannel. Blast! Old blue was in the line of fire, and taking heat from all directions. It finally met its demise when I proceeded to accidentally wipe my ass with my own shirt. Shocked to what had just occurred I rushed to the sink to resurrect Old Blue. After ten minutes under hot water, the sight went away, but the smell would last forever. Old Blue had earned a trip to the garbage can. And by then my parents back at the table were wondering why the hell I was in the bathroom for 38 minutes, and what the hell happened to my shirt. Well Mom and Dad, guess what, ISMS!

Age: 26,

And it smelled like POOPY.

Today I was in Aspen walking around with a couple girls with whom I was trying to give the hot beef injection. I couldn’t have been in a more pissed off mood. Earlier, I had made the very foolish decision to eat not one, but three slices of greasy cheese bread. In fact, just about the time I met up with the girls, the diarreah hit me full blast. I remember trying so hard to keep my cool while I vigorously battled the toxic waste that was just dying to escape from my body. The pain was so excruciating that I felt as if someone had fished a line of barbed wire through my intestines. By some miracle, a window of opportunity appeared as I saw the girls go pet a dog tied outside of a restaurant. I made a solid effort to let out some gas but it was to no avail. A bolt of brown lightning struck my underpants and I ran behind a random residence to vanish from the scene. I hid in the shade while I wiped my ass with the clean part of my boxers. At the time I had no choice but to leave the evidence in the midst of a small garden that looked freshly planted. That day I didn’t get laid but instead ISMP

Age: 18,

Today I tried to steal a car, but realized that an off duty police officer was in the back seat. ISMP.  Watch video here at http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=323163