My Uncle landed on Free Parking while playing Monopoly against me today. I heard him shart and then he slowly got up to walk to the bath room. He definitely shit his pants.

Today I was driving to the gas station with my homeboy and something was definitely brewing, and I’m not talking about coffee, unless, of course, I’m talking about butt-coffee. Regardless, I made the dangerous decision to try and fart so that the pressure released, preventing the shart. Mission failed, Q, mission failed… Within moments I had “Grease Lightninged” my undergarments (That’s how “Grease Lightninged” is used, right?). My friend witnessed my ass rocket from the drivers seat as I tried to prevent “seepage.” Quick decisions being made, I started pulling my jeans off while driving, I had my pants around my ankles as we pulled into the gas station. After witnessing my actions, my friend asked, “What the fuck is going on?” ISMP.

I was frantically loading luggage into the back of the family SUV as we rushed to get to the airport. My brother and sister kept teasing me to hurry up while they did nothing, making me furious. I turned around to scream at them and lost my balance, fumbling one of the bags. I got real nervous as I tried to gain control of it and while doing so I completely shat myself. I was wearing shorts and my siblings shrieked as a complete terd rolled down my leg. We had to go back into the house and turn on the water so I could clean myself up. When we got back from vacation there was still a dark stain on the driveway. ISMP

I was the entertainment @ my cousin’s 5th bday party. They served tacos. I had 7, bad idea. I was doing my best Krusty the Clown on my stilts but a kid ran right under ‘em. I panicked. Took a dumple stiltskin all over the poor tyke’s head. ISMP.

One time, i had boiled eggs with tabasco for breakfast. Little did i know, tabasco makes me gassy. Weighing roughly two tons, my class went to weightlifting class instead of gym class. I like to show off for the ladies, so i put 315 lbs. on the squat machine. When i lifted it up for a practice, two very attractive girls from my class walked over and were watching me. They got a bunch of their friends to cheer me on. Soon as i lifted, the pressure because too much. I strained myself to lift and release at the same time, and soon as i did, i regreted it. It was worse then a rocket launch. That thing blasted through my pants in about 1.2 seconds flat, with nice greasy shart running down my leg. Those girls didnt notice me anymore.

Today I had a a big meeting with my supervisors.  I was hoping to get a raise.  The air was dusty and I sneezed loudly.  I shat my pants and one of them surely noticed.  ISMP.

Today, I was really fat as a kid, sorry SMP. Weighing roughly a ton, I decided to take some new diet pills that would separate the oils (fats) from the foods I ingested. Please keep in mind that I was in the 8th grade. During one school day, while walking down the hall I thought that I could squeeze out a toot, but what I squoze was a jet-stream of orange, oily butt-juice. I sedcluded myself in the bathroom for about 20 minutes. My friend came in to see what the problem was. I turned my back to him to display a six in long orange streak that had seeped through my boxers and into my khakis. I went home that day, and never wore khakis again…

Today I had to go to a play and was sitting in the center of the crowded balcony section. I felt some gas begin to rumble in my stomach and sure enough it traveled to the front of my sphincter to form the fart. I’m sitting there anxiously asking myself, do I trust it? The play was so boring that I thought it would be funny to make some people smell my farts. But unfortanutely, the joke was on me because ISMP and was too scared to get up the entire time. I had gambled with a fart and lost, sacrificing my comfort and a clean pair of shorts. When someone looked around to locate the bad smell, I also had to turn my head and pretend to look for the perpetrator myself. I was pissed off the whole time. SMP

Age: old as fuck,

Today, at the ripe age of 14, I was on my way to visit my brother at college. A stop along the way at a meaty Italian restaurant proved to set the course for a very unpleasant adventure. 10 manicotti shells later I realized I had to make a burnt offering to the Porcelain God. Rushing to the throne, I had not the time or the foresight to clear the path of my loose-hanging Gap flannel. Blast! Old blue was in the line of fire, and taking heat from all directions. It finally met its demise when I proceeded to accidentally wipe my ass with my own shirt. Shocked to what had just occurred I rushed to the sink to resurrect Old Blue. After ten minutes under hot water, the sight went away, but the smell would last forever. Old Blue had earned a trip to the garbage can. And by then my parents back at the table were wondering why the hell I was in the bathroom for 38 minutes, and what the hell happened to my shirt. Well Mom and Dad, guess what, ISMS!

Age: 25,

Today I had my bi-weekly tennis lesson at Franklin Racket Club. You might know the place. The lesson lasts two-hours, from 4-6 p.m. As the clock neared six, and I readied what would turn out to be my final serve of the day, a profound unsettling erupted within. I had to shit…bad. I asked my instructor Adam if I could leave the court early. He said no way, my lesson would be over in five minutes. I walked back to the baseline, hoping I could psych myself out of a horrible accident. But it was no use. Right there, on center court, a sloppy brown explosion rushed out of me, through my Nike shorts, and onto the once pristine green court. Adam should have let me leave early, for if he had, he wouldn’t have been left cleaning his young pupils shit off the tennis court. ISMP.